It’s almost Christmas, and, like most of us, you are probably behind on buying gifts for loved ones, co-workers, and others close to you. Skip the stores and the crowds this season, and choose from our satirical selection of the very best Christmas gifts for 2023.
Black Lives Matter Gift Set: Discontinued and nearly forgotten; receipt needed for returns because they keep getting lifted from Rite-Aid. Also sold under the brand name “Confederate Statues You’ve Never Heard Of, But Are Now Freaked Out Over.” Deluxe white guilt edition available for ten times the price.
Gaza Ant Farm: Watch these industrious Gazan ants dig tunnels and smuggle sand particles in and out for hours and hours of fun! Then destroy the tunnels, feed the ants, or both!
Joe Biden White House Playset: Joe doll comes with Dribble Action™ speech module. Connect him to the Jill doll (sold separately) to see him walk, maintain inflation, enter proxy wars, and be bewildered about declining poll numbers.
Middle East Lego Playset: The set retails for $5 trillion. Included are enough Legos to build complete replicas of Iraq and Syria, allowing a child to refight those battles over and over. Figures, all with removable heads, include Sunni militias, Islamic State fighters, Shia militias, American Special Forces, Iranians, Yemenis, Kurds, Russians, Syrians (moderate and radical, though they look alike), Israelis, Saudi financiers, Hezbollah fighters, Hamas fighters, al Qaeda, more Iranians, miscellaneous unmarked drones, and a starter pack of refugees. Don’t forget even more adventures can be played with the Turkish Expansion Pack. Parents, please note, even with the best of intentions, the playset tends to simply fall apart after a while when everyone gets bored with it. Not included: weapons of mass destruction. Get it now at 50 percent off with the Israel v. Hamas Gaza Hospital add-on. A best seller and list leader for many years!
The Ukraine Game: Retail price: $500 billion. Includes an empty box to fill with money, and a postage-paid envelope for ordering another empty box to fill.
The Republican Primary Game: Just an empty box.
The Democratic Primary Game: Another empty box.
Third Party Candidate Action Figure: Chances of winning sold separately.
The Mike Johnson Game: For the whole family! Roll the dice to travel around the board for days at a time. There’s no way to win the game, and all the other players will soon hate you.
Cuddle Me Gaza Doll: Returned item, may be labeled Cuddle Me Ukraine. Sensitivity warning: Doll may resemble Sean Penn when seen in the harsh light of day.
American Girl Doll: It’s got a penis. Deal with it.
George Santos: The real George Santos—limited edition, only one available. He needs somewhere to stay over the holidays.
Your Own GoFundMe: GoFundMe is now America’s largest health insurer; give the gift of an account to a loved one!
Putin Chia Pet: Comes right out of the box looking like a shaved-head Vladimir Putin but water it daily and it will soon resemble Weird Al Yankovic! Continue to water the doll and it will take over your kitchen, den, and drive you from your own garage even as it causes other houseplants to “accidentally” fall to their deaths off high shelves.
New Alexa Programmed to Sound Like Your Kid: Saying “Hello, Alexa” is met with a sullen glare and if repeated, a request for money and the car. “Alexa, turn on the lights” triggers a lecture about global warming in the actual A.I.-simulated voice of Greta the Climate Change Girl. Purchasing items on Amazon via this modified Alexa results in sarcastic accusations that you are a racist and fascist for no apparent reason. The device automatically announces it has turned transgender before New Year’s and will refuse to work, accusing you of misgendering it by refusing to reverse the + and – ends of the batteries.
Christmas Eve Don’t Talk Politics Game: Players take turns drawing red and blue cards to stick on to their foreheads. They then have to argue the provocative topic shown to bored and anxious relatives who just don’t want to hear it. Winner is the one who draws the “Joker,” a special card marked “Can’t we talk about anything else?”
Immigration, The Home Version: Play as “Home” or “Enterprising Venezuelan.” The Home player starts the game by throwing out all immigration laws and erecting a fence around part of his property, leaving large gaps at key locations. The action shifts to the Venezuelan player(s) who then walk in and take whatever they want. The Venezuelan to run up the most taxpayer-paid medical bills wins the game. The Home player wins if he lands a second job at Walmart before his taxes are due.
Trump, The Game: This one is real. “It’s not about if you win or lose. As long as you win.”
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